i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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