Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
