It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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