I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
