My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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