I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
4 words: hood of his car
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
