weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
