11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
