What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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