Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
