And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
