u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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