I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
