You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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