I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
