A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
