no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
