Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
