He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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