Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
