I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
