I want to have your abortion
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I would ride that face into the sunset
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
