i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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