i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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