Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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