mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
