i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
