I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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