another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
