I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My cat gives me a boner
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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