I think im going to throw up on grandma
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The Olympian is in my bed
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