Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
