PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Randomize
