If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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