Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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