I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Vodka?
Forever.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
