Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
