On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
