You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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