I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
