Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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