Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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