just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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