I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
