I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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