Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
