I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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