we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
