That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
