Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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