is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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