A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
